Learn more about the Pelvic Health Sexuality Counseling Certificate Program

Woke is the New Sexy™

Bourbon Talez

I love Bourbon. I also am a fan of keeping it real when it comes to all things related to “sexytimes”. Bourbon Talez is the product of my love of sexual empowerment and intelligence.

This is your opportunity to ask me questions regarding ANYTHING related to sexytimes (Don’t trip. This is confidential), and I will give you my input or advice while sipping on my bourbon bev.

Ask UC a Question!

Watch the latest episodes...

Mindful sex and being a "good" lover - Part 2

Mindful sex and being a “good” lover – Part 2

Mindful sex and being a "good" lover - Part 1

Mindful sex and being a “good” lover – Part 1

How to manage our feelings and desires when our partner has ED

How to manage our feelings and desires when our partner has ED

"I'm a 33-year-old woman who has yet to have her sexual debut. Like, the most I've done is kiss someone. Do you have any advice for my first encounter??"

“I’m a 33-year-old woman who has yet to have her sexual debut. Like, the most I’ve done is kiss someone. Do you have any advice for my first encounter??”

"I'm a 37-year-old, queer femme, and I've always had a fat body and I've never felt comfortable being naked in front of my partner. Any thoughts on how to build my sexy and move the needle on this issue?"

“I’m a 37-year-old, queer femme, and I’ve always had a fat body and I’ve never felt comfortable being naked in front of my partner. Any thoughts on how to build my sexy and move the needle on this issue?”

Sexual Perfectionism

Sexual Perfectionism

"I'm a 30-year-old cisgender woman. I'm curious about how I'm supposed to continue to develop and explore my sexuality when I don't have a partner?! 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ Any advice would be so helpful. "

“I’m a 30-year-old cisgender woman. I’m curious about how I’m supposed to continue to develop and explore my sexuality when I don’t have a partner?! 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ Any advice would be so helpful. “

Sexual Pain: Part 2

Sexual Pain: Part 2

"I'm a 25-year-old Korean American ciswomen and I've been with my partner for 2 years. Since George Floyd's death, I've done a lot of internal work to figure out how I've participated in systemic racism and I feel that I've grown a lot in my own racial identity and as a community member. My partner recently asked me to participate in his fantasy where he is dominating me and I play the role of the submissive, Asian princess. 😳 I feel some type of way about it. Am I being overly sensitive or was that just racist?"

“I’m a 25-year-old Korean American ciswomen and I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. Since George Floyd’s death, I’ve done a lot of internal work to figure out how I’ve participated in systemic racism and I feel that I’ve grown a lot in my own racial identity and as a community member. My partner recently asked me to participate in his fantasy where he is dominating me and I play the role of the submissive, Asian princess. 😳 I feel some type of way about it. Am I being overly sensitive or was that just racist?”

"I'm a 30-year-old non-binary vulva owner and I've been noticing that I've been fantasizing A LOT more about having sex with other people during my sexytime encounter with my partner. 😳 It's not every time, but it's enough to have me a bit worried. Is this common? If so, when does fantasizing become problematic?"

“I’m a 30-year-old non-binary vulva owner and I’ve been noticing that I’ve been fantasizing A LOT more about having sex with other people during my sexytime encounter with my partner. 😳 It’s not every time, but it’s enough to have me a bit worried. Is this common? If so, when does fantasizing become problematic?”

"I'm a cisgender woman and I just found out that the guy I've been dating for 5 months has faked his orgasm a few times and I feel some type of way about it. So my questions are 1) I thought men faking orgasms was an urban myth, 2) WHY is he faking (or why would cis-dudes fake an orgasm)?"

“I’m a cisgender woman and I just found out that the guy I’ve been dating for 5 months has faked his orgasm a few times and I feel some type of way about it. So my questions are 1) I thought men faking orgasms was an urban myth, 2) WHY is he faking (or why would cis-dudes fake an orgasm)?”

"I pee myself when I have sex! 😩😩😩 It's so embarrassing! besides peeing before sexytime, what can I do??"

“I pee myself when I have sex! 😩😩😩 It’s so embarrassing! besides peeing before sexytime, what can I do??”

"I'm a 37-year-old cisgender female and have pelvic organ prolapse with the delivery of my last kid, 4 years ago. Sex hasn't been the same since. It feels AND looks very different, harder to orgasm, and I'm not even 100% sure it's safe to have sex with a prolapse!! Help!"

“I’m a 37-year-old cisgender female and have pelvic organ prolapse with the delivery of my last kid, 4 years ago. Sex hasn’t been the same since. It feels AND looks very different, harder to orgasm, and I’m not even 100% sure it’s safe to have sex with a prolapse!! Help!”

"How do I assert my sexual boundaries or sexual needs without sacrificing affection?"

“How do I assert my sexual boundaries or sexual needs without sacrificing affection?”

“I’m a 30-year-old non-binary vagina owner and I have endometriosis. What specific tips do you have to navigate sex with this condition?”

“I’m a 30-year-old non-binary vagina owner and I have endometriosis. What specific tips do you have to navigate sex with this condition?”

"I'm a 31-year-old cis-female and I've been with my partner who's a non-binary vagina owner for 3 years. We have a great sex life, but are noticing vaginal penetration is just not as pleasurable as outercourse and would like to explore that more. Any advice on how to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable?"

“I’m a 31-year-old cis-female and I’ve been with my partner who’s a non-binary vagina owner for 3 years. We have a great sex life, but are noticing vaginal penetration is just not as pleasurable as outercourse and would like to explore that more. Any advice on how to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable?”

"I'm a 38-year-old vagina owner and I've been with my partner for 6 years. We are currently in a sexual rut that I expected to automatically rebound from now that we both have more bandwidth... but it hasn't happened. How do cultivate and jumpstart my sexual curiosity?"

“I’m a 38-year-old vagina owner and I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. We are currently in a sexual rut that I expected to automatically rebound from now that we both have more bandwidth… but it hasn’t happened. How do cultivate and jumpstart my sexual curiosity?”

"I'm a 28-year-old cis-female and my partner and I have been working really hard to get me to squirt with no success😒😒. Any advice on how I can squirt on command during sex?"

“I’m a 28-year-old cis-female and my partner and I have been working really hard to get me to squirt with no success😒😒. Any advice on how I can squirt on command during sex?”

"What do you do if your partner is bad in bed??"

“What do you do if your partner is bad in bed??”

“If I always have obligatory sex….is that bad for me? If so, how do I fix it?”

“If I always have obligatory sex….is that bad for me? If so, how do I fix it?”

"I'm a 35-year-old vagina owner and I want to know, do people actually have period sex? Is it safe? How do you keep it from being messy? and can you have oral sex in your period?"

“I’m a 35-year-old vagina owner and I want to know, do people actually have period sex? Is it safe? How do you keep it from being messy? and can you have oral sex in your period?”

"I'm a 27-year-old woman and vagina owner and my mom told me that the more peeps I have sex with, the more I have to do kegels to prevent myself from have a "loose vagina. Is that a thing? If so, how do I prevent it?"

“I’m a 27-year-old woman and vagina owner and my mom told me that the more peeps I have sex with, the more I have to do kegels to prevent myself from have a “loose vagina. Is that a thing? If so, how do I prevent it?”

"I'm a 40-year-old, single woman and I've never been able to find my G-spot. It's been bothering me (and previous partners) for years! Help me!"

“I’m a 40-year-old, single woman and I’ve never been able to find my G-spot. It’s been bothering me (and previous partners) for years! Help me!”

"How do I dismantle the shame I feel with masturbation?"

“How do I dismantle the shame I feel with masturbation?”

Thoughts on the Attack on the Capitol

Thoughts on the Attack on the Capitol

“I’ve been with partner for 2.5 years and I’m having a real hard time starting focused during sex. I’m SO DISTRACTED! They are a great lover and everything is good with us. I know there is no magic pill, but can you give me 1 or 2 techniques I can implement TONIGHT to help?”

“I’ve been with partner for 2.5 years and I’m having a real hard time starting focused during sex. I’m SO DISTRACTED! They are a great lover and everything is good with us. I know there is no magic pill, but can you give me 1 or 2 techniques I can implement TONIGHT to help?”

“I watched my wife give birth 7 months ago and it was a bit traumatic to watch. She has healed up fine and initiates sex… but I’m the one holding back. Any advice?!”

“I’m 29-year-old cisgender female and I’ve been with my partner for a year now. Recently, I’ve been DRYING UP the middle of penetrative sex! Ugh! I’m super into it and aroused and I have healthy communication with my partner…. what gives?!”

“The guy I’m dating cums REALLY quickly. Like, really quickly. It’s starting to become a “thing”. I don’t want to shame him or make him feel insecure… so how do I approach this gently?”

“I’m a 28-year-old female and vagina owner and I have pain with orgasms. I still can experience pleasure, but the pain is pretty intense (and not in a good way). Any advice?”

“I’m a 40-year-old year old woman and vagina owner and I’ve had 3 kids within 4 years and my youngest is 3 years old. My husband works full-time and a half and I stay at home and love it. However I cannot feel penetrative intercourse with my partner. Like, at all. Why is this happening and what toys do you recommend?”

“How long is sex supposed to last and how can I last longer?”

“I’m a vagina owner with lifelong pelvic pain. I’m currently in PT, but having trouble bridging the gap into having pain-free penetrative intercourse. Any advice on how I can navigate this process better?”

How do I approach this 7-month friends-with-benefits situation?

“How do I get past lesbian bed death with my wife?!😳 We have all the intimacy levels…except sex. help!”

“I’m a 28-year-old man and I’m dating a new guy who had a spinal cord injury and uses a wheelchair to get around. I’m ready to take the next step with sex, but I don’t know how to bring the subject up. I have questions, but I don’t want to insult him or put all the burden on educating me on him. Any advice?”

“I’ve been dating this guy who won’t perform oral sex on me. 🙄🤨 When is it too soon or too late to bring up this issue (I kinda like the guy)?

“I had a very difficult vaginal delivery that involved tearing and resulted in a difficult postpartum recovery. My partner is ready for penetration sex and I’m a bit freaked out. I want my sex life back, but I don’t know how to start.”

“My boyfriend wants me to perform anal play on him and I’ve never really thought about it, this I’m not super comfortable. I told him ‘no’ for now, and he ended up calling me “uptight”. How do I figure out if it’s something I want to do? And how do I let him down if I decide it’s not for me… without sounding ‘rigid’”.

“I have always had a hypersensitive clitoris and I’ve never enjoyed clitoral play because it’s too uncomfortable and distracts me from enjoying sex. I’m with a new partner and I really want to experience clitoral pleasure….Any tips?”

“I’m a 38-year-old woman and I’ve been married to my wife for 7 years. I’m scheduled to have a hysterectomy in 3.5 months and I’m freaked out on what it will do to my sex life! we already have been struggling with sexual issues over the past 1.5 years. Any advice on how to prevent more issues after surgery?”

“I’m a 29-year-old man and I recently gave my partner respectful and kind feedback about his oral sex skills. Unfortunately, I was met with negativity and it became a while thing. How do we move past it?”

“I’m a 34-year-old vagina owner and I’m recently single. I’m getting back into the dating pool and wanted to know your thoughts on having sex on the first date.”

“My long-term partner and I used to have hot, spontaneous sex. But after 2 kiddos and 2 big jobs… that spontaneity and excitement is gone. How do I get that spontaneity back?”

“What do I do if I can have an orgasm solo, but not with my partner? HELP!”

“My partner is a bit on the conservative side and newer to sex, how do I introduce my sexual fantasies to them without scaring them off?”

“I recently found out my partner consumes way more porn than I thought. I don’t have a problem with him watching porn, but….when is porn use problematic?”

“I’m a 30-year-old man with premature ejaculation. I’m talking maybe 30 to 40 secs. I recently learned that the pelvic floor can assist with this problem. How can I start?”

“I’m a 25-year-old non-binary person and I avoid and pick fights with my partner to avoid sex. My partner thinks it has to do with my sexual shame; and with further thought, I agree with them. How do I address sexual shame?”

“I’m a 31-year-old Black woman with sexual dysfunction and I’m worried that I’ve internalized the Black female archetype of “superwoman” and it’s impacted my sex life. What do I do?”

“I’m a 42-year-old woman and I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I have a great partner who loves it, and I feel bad because I don’t. You always say to chase my pleasure… but it hasn’t helped. Any advice on how to get pleasure when I never experienced it to begin with?”

“What do I do if I’m worried that my birth control has negatively impacted my libido and orgasm?”

“I’m a 28 year old black person and I have a complicated medical history. Given the past few weeks, my trust in the medical establishment has gotten even lower and I simply am not sure how to navigate my healthcare moving forward. Any advice?”

“I’m a 35 year-old black woman and I work in a corporate all-white environment with a lot of Amy Coopers who literally and figuratively cry “wolf” during interactions with me and I hold my tongue a lot so every few months I might get upset but then I look “crazy” like I’m an angry Black person.. and I’m really not. I know my job and I want to grow in this company but I am not sure how to negotiate this Amy Cooper situation. Any advice?”

“I’ve gained a few pounds during the Rona quarantine and its made me feel less sexy… any advice on how I can address this?”

“My wife and I had a ‘sexless’ marriage for years because of her pelvic pain; however, her pain is now no longer an issue, but now I’m struggling with erection issues. Help!”

“How do I get my partner to be more adventurous in the bedroom? “

“My girlfriend and I rarely have simultaneous orgasms, and the one time we did… she seemed to have the best orgasm. Are we supposed to orgasm at the same time? Is that better?”

“I always had a low libido. How do I improve my libido for the long-haul?”

“Since the coronavirus hit, we’ve been working non-stop on top of each other. I’ve really afraid that this all this closeness will disrupt our sexy swag. Any advice?”

“My lady NEVER initiates sex and it’s really getting to me because it makes me feel like she’s not into me. How do I approach her with this with it being “a thing”?”

“My partner wants a threesome and I don’t feel comfortable with it. What do I do?”

“I am a 30 yo woman, been with my partner for 4 months. Libido is very low, never had a high libido. Should I get on hormones? What do you suggest?”

Sex and Boredom

“I used to have urinary incontinence, but it was fixed with PT. However, I have a persistent fear that I’m going to pee all over my partner during sex, so I avoid sex all together. Any sex tips to improve my libido?”

“How can I use my pelvic floor to last longer in bed?”

“Lately there has been a not-so-pleasant smell from my partner’s vagina. I know that vaginas don’t smell like roses 24/7, but it’s a bit challenging to engage in oral sex. I really don’t want to shame her, especially since she’s sensitive about that area smelling. Any advice on how to tell her?”

“Everytime I have sex, I get excessive lubrication. It’s so, so embarrassing during partnered sex. Any advice on how I can get over this?”

“How do I get my sexy serve back?”

“I moved in with my partner 2 months ago and we are not having nearly as much sex as we used to. What gives?”

“80% of women who have chronic pelvic pain are still having penetrative sex despite reporting moderate to severe pain.”

“My partner told me that my financial success makes them feel insecure. What do I do?”

“My ex told me that they always faked orgasms while we are together. That really threw me off my game and I’m nervous to initiate sex with my current partner, any advice?”

“What makes a great lover?”

“I’m 20 weeks postpartum and I have ZERO interest in sex. My partner really wants it, but every time I think of sex, I get a flashback to my traumatic birth. Plus, I’m severely sleep deprived. Any advice to get my mojo going?”

“I was recently propositioned to have a friends with benefits situation, what do I do?”

Part 2 of 2: “I have Painful Bladder Syndrome / Interstitial cystitis and all types of sex is painful… any advice?”

Part 1 of 2: “I have Painful Bladder Syndrome/Interstitial cystitis and all types of sex is painful… any advice?”

“My partner has a smaller package and refuses to use a toy to enhance the bedroom experience. Any advice?”

“My new partner recently told me they are into ‘rough sex’. I’m intrigued but still uncertain… any advice? “

“My partner does not like when I bring sex toys in the bedroom….ugh…advice?”

“My partner is a little too intense about giving me orgasms. He’s always asking me during sex if I’m close or he seriously stares at me…its a huge turn off…help!”

“I can easily orgasm with my toys, but not my partner. What can I do?”

“My partner has taken to pooping in front of me, and it’s a huge turn off! What do I do?”

sex-orgasm-pee-myself

“I’m a 36-year-old woman and I pee myself everytime I have an orgasm. Ugghhh! It’s SO frustrating. Any advice?”

how many people have you slept with

“The guy I’m dating won’t stop asking me to tell him how many people I’ve slept with. It’s a high number, but im not ashamed of it. I just don’t think it’s his business. Any advice?”

“My partner and I have different sex schedules… how do we navigate that??”

I’ve been dating this guy in his 30s with ED. He said it started during a stressful time in his life, and he never recovered. What can I do to help him solve this problem

“I just started hooking up with this girl who has a very fleshy labia. I paused because I was surprised, she noticed, and it was SUPER awkward. I know I messed up.. big time. What do I do?”

“My partner and I have very different libidos. His is really high and mine is low. What can be done?”

“I’m able to have orgasms with clitoral stimulation but not with vaginal penetration… what gives?”

“Does the clitoris lose sensitivity with over stimulation?”

Part 2 of 2: “I’m a 30-year-old guy and wife gave birth to a 10.5lbs baby 8 months ago. We just started having sex again 3 months ago and feels good, but she’s not as tight as she used to be. Any advice on how top make things better?”

Part 1 of 2: “I’m a 30-year-old guy and wife gave birth to a 10.5lbs baby 8 months ago. We just started having sex again 3 months ago and feels good, but she’s not as tight as she used to be. Any advice on how top make things better?”

“My partner loves receiving handjobs and I hate giving them. Any advice on how to meet in the middle?”

“I’ve noticed an increase in my wife’s use of sex to get what she wants and it’s starting to really bother me. Any advice on how to change things?”

“I’m a plus-sized woman with a fit boyfriend, and I’m having a hard time infusing sexy into our relationship because he usually dates women who are side 0 or 2. Any advice?”

“My boo comes from a VERY religious background and has a lot of guilt and shame around sex. What can I do? Do sex and religion mix?”

“Every time I give my boyfriend blowjobs, he NEVER reciprocates. What do I do about it?”

“I’m a bisexual woman and I never fake orgasms with my lady partner, but I consistently came out with my guy partner. I’m equally attracted to both… SSI what gives?”

Part 2 of 2: “How do I go down on my girlfriend?”

Part 1 of 2: “I recently came out as a lesbian and I have no idea how to go down on this girl I’m dating. I’m actually petrified. Any advice?”

“My girlfriend and I have been having a lot of anal sex lately, and she recently had an accident during sex. What do I do to prevent this?”

“Should I or shouldn’t I have sex on the first date?”

“My girlfriend can’t take criticism in the bedroom. To the point she will shut down completely and we end up not having sex. Any advice?”

“How do I introduce the idea of pegging to my husband without causing drama?”

“I’ve been with my partner 3 years, and they are soooo selfish in the bedroom. What do I do?”

“My partner has a waaay lower libido than I do, and its really disruptive to our relationship. Any advice?”

“How do I become a better lover? (Part 3 of 3)

“How do I become a better lover?” (Part 2 of 3)

“How do I become a better lover?” (Part 1 of 3)

“I tend to queef A LOT during sex and during exercise and it’s messing with my sexy swagger. Any advice?”

“It has always taken me a long time to get off…. and it’s been a problem for my past partners and now it’s an issue with my current partner. Any advice?”

“How much sex is too much sex?”

“The person I’m dating is staying virginal until marriage (though she isn’t a virgin), but still wants to have phone sex and “other things”. I find this to be a bit confusing. What gives?”

“My ex-girlfriend was able to squirt with orgasm but my current girlfriend doesn’t. She says she is having orgasms, but I’m not sure I believe her. Any advice?”

“What are the best exercises to improve my orgasms?”

“I have a short penis, and I’m afraid it’s the reason why my partner isn’t having as much pleasure with sex as they used to…”

“My partner has gained a lot of weight since we have been together, and I’m no longer attracted to him. We’ve tried dieting and exercise, and nothing helps. What can I do?”

“My girlfriend and I are losing our virginity tonight. Do you have any advice on how to make it a pleasurable experience?”

“My new boo has an uncircumcised penis and I’m a little intimidated on what you do. Any thoughts?”

“I’ve never had an orgasm through penetrative sex, but I can with clitoral stimulation. What gives?! How can I fix this?”

“My boyfriend is struggling with premature ejaculation…I mean, 30 secs is all we get. I’m getting SUPER frustrated because I fear I’m never going to get off and its getting in the way of my pleasure. Help!”

“I’m 6 months postpartum and I have ZERO desire to have sex. I’m breastfeeding, working full-time, barely getting any sleep, and my husband is getting frustrated. I dont want a sexless marriage, but….”

“I’m dating a new guy who is a transgender man and is struggling with gender dysphoria. What can I do to make him more comfortable in the bedroom?”

“I used to have a hot and heavy sex life with my long distance boyfriend; but ever since he moved into the same city, our sex life has suffered. Help!”

“I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and I recently cheated on her with a man… should I tell her or not?”

“My boo says that he would be mad if I cheated on him with another man, but not another woman. It makes me feel kind of disappointed and a little gross… what do I do?”

“My old boo was AMAZING in bed, but new boo isn’t as good. What can I do to bring them up to speed?”

“How do I start an open relationship with my partner without messing up what we have?”

“How do I get my partner to be a better kisser?”

“My man loves pegging a little bit too much. It makes me uncomfortable and I’m worried he might be gay…”

“How can we salvage our sex life during fertility treatments?”

“What should I do if my partner hates it when I look at other people. I’m not trying to be disrespectful nor am I obnoxious about it… but its still a problem. Help!”

“I used to masturbate a lot. Can that destroy my clitoral sensation?”

“At what point should I have sex with the person I’m dating?”

“I can only have an orgasm when I’m on top. What gives?”

“I want a threesome, but my partner doesn’t…. Does that make me a freak?”

“How do I enter into a friends with benefits situation with a long time friend of mine without making it complicated?”

“I lost my job a year ago, and I can now only orgasm with my wife after I get a massage from my masseuse. I’m still attracted to wife and I’m NOT getting happy endings… what gives?”

“I have a prolapsed bladder, what are the best sexual positions for my partner and I to try?”

“My partner does not like the fact that I masturbate, what can I do to get them to be more accepting?”

“I have NEVER had god sex with my partner… how do I negotiate better sex to improve and save my relationship.”

“What do I do if my partner has so much pain with sex that we are unable to have penetration?”

“I want to practice safe sex however condoms irritate my vagina to the point that sex is painful. What do I do?”

“My partner has really loud, sweaty, aggressive orgasms. They are so loud that it is distracting and a bit of a turn-off. What do I do?”